JAGeExtant4Now
11-09-2005, 02:54 PM
It was requested in another thread that I post what’s been going on in my life that might shed some light on why I've been so tense and stressed out. My problems have been escalating for the past month and this first part may seem off but it will tie back into where I am going. It's somewhat lengthy so please bare with me.
I really don't know where to start but I will give it a try. Allot of what’s been going on started back in 2003 when I graduated college and finally got my degree in Graphic Design. My wife and I were staying in Tennessee with her family while I did my internship and my wife worked on her teacher certification. I am person that is reluctant to ask for help but I am the first in line to give help when it is needed. It was very stressful staying with her parents not 6 months after I got married to finish up my education. I didn’t like it, I wanted to be out on my own with my wife with no ones help. Days, weeks, and even months went past being unemployed but it was hard to find work in my field being that it was so competitive. Day after day I would put in my resume and application to places in my field and even places that were not in my field. Most business wanted experience outside schooling while others wouldn't hire me due to the fact that I was too qualified.
A heated discussion broke out in the house between me, my wife's mom, and her dad about me not being employed. They didn't believe me that I was trying hard enough but I was doing the best I could. To make matters worse I was being looked at by some of her family members as a failure. So at this point in my life I felt like I was a failure at everything I tried to do, even as a husband. So I packed up after being in Tennessee for 10 months and left without my wife in search for a job to support us.
For 3 months I was away from my wife trying to find a better life for the two of us and in that 3 months heated arguments broke out between my family and me on why I shouldn't stay away from my wife. It was necessary to be away from her to find work else where. Now I started to wonder if things that her family had said to me and behind my back were true, not to mention that I felt like I abandoned my wife. I live in a small town of about 30,000 and just like any town rumors gets around real quick. After I would go job searching all day I would go out at night and on the weekends with my friends to get my mind off things and try to relax. Well somehow word was that I was out partying, living it up, having affairs, and had abandoned my wife in Tennessee, which wasn't true at all. Those who know me know that I would never do such a thing and know how true I am. Those who know me know how much of a devoted person I am and how big my heart is. I’ve been told that I have too big of heart that I don't know when to say no, that I would allow people to walk over me, and that I would give and look out for people even if it hurt me. I say it’s better to have a big heart than none at all. That is one quality that my wife says she loves about me is that I have a big and caring heart. I am lucky to have a wife that knows that she can trust me and didn't believe any of that crap. I quickly put an end to all those harsh rumors and comments, but at that point in my life my faith was gone and I was all alone.
Finally I got back on track when my brother-in-law asked me to work for him and his company. He had just started his own company when he asked me to work for him a while as I found something in my field. So for 2 months I drove 8-9 hours a day going back and forth to work trying to make ends meat. My brother-in-law owns his own inspection company that inspects auto parts for various car companies and this contracted job was 3-4 hours away. So I worked for him trying to get something started when I got a call from a company that I sent an application over a month past. They wanted me to come in for a job interview for a Marking Assistant position doing graphic design. So I interviewed with the company and didn’t hear anything for at least another week. During that week I was starting to wonder about my faith and wondered if it started to come back. It wasn’t soon after I received another phone call from the company that interviewed me just that past week saying that they wanted to extend an invitation to come work for them. Finally it looked like my life was about to come around.
Two weeks past and I start the job that I am doing now, I was so nervous for my first 90 days of probation that I was going to be caned. I guess it was that I was so nervous that I felt like I worked so hard to get here and it was going to be over in a flash. You see I never have anything go good for me hardly at any time but when it does it usually comes crashing to a halt. I was anticipating my 90 day review to determine where I was going to be, well that didn’t come till the end of December and it should have been the end of September of that year. So needless to say it was late. Well I got my review and went on with my life here. I was told that I would receive another review at my one year anniversary and in January they would review to see if I had acquired enough hours since my start time back in June to get vacation, well I didn’t. Because I came in at the half way point in the year I didn’t require enough hours to get vacation and I would have to wait another year to get vacation. So since I started here back in June 04 I haven’t had a day’s vacation, a vacation that I’ve needed to take to go to the doctor or run important task. I can’t take a day off because if I do it will be without pay and I can’t afford to loose one day’s pay. My wife is a private school teacher (which she doesn’t make hardly anything at) and with my job we live from pay check to pay check with hardly anything left over for ourselves.
Well now to the last few months. I was suppose to have received my yearly review this past June and didn’t get it until a few weeks ago. My supervisor gave me a 50 min review basically saying nothing but negative things to me and bashing me. Now I had been told that I was doing good work in the past and in my eyes I thought I was but apparently not. She called in the other Market Assistant to give her, her review; all they did was cut up laugh and had a good time. I walked out of her office with a signed copy of my review, she walled out with nothing. My supervisor said that she wanted to call me in for a follow up review on Dec 1st. The other assistant doesn’t have a follow up review. Yeah I make mistake, I mean the last time I checked I was human and I made mistakes. But none of my mistakes have been huge especially job threatening. I have always corrected my mistakes and try to learn from them. Allot of my mistakes or grammatical errors and some product related but all my mistakes have been made in house and corrected before they left here. My wife thinks I have some form of dyslexia and some form of learning disability, I have been pointed out signs and that I needed to get tested, but it’s hard to get tested when you can’t get a day off. I can’t afford to get a day off to go and get tested and get help that will improve my work. Ever since my latest review my supervisor has avoided me like the plague, not been social to me, or really acknowledged that I even exist. She has cut up, talked and socialized with the other assistant but when it comes to me I’m avoided. She leaves me out on stuff, doesn’t tell me anything and doesn’t even look in my direction. What I have gathered is this. She said that in my last review she wanted to have a follow up to see how I have progressed. Yesterday was the first work she gave me in weeks, so how am I supposed to improve if she doesn’t give me anything to work on. I think she already has a plain and an agenda, I believe she had one before she called me into for an interview. I think the reason behind her ignoring me, avoiding me, and treating me like she has in the last few weeks is due to my job will be gone by Dec 1st. I think the follow up review is a review to tell me that I no longer work for this company. In my opinion I think she is giving me a month to look for a new job and no matter what I do to improve in my eyes it won’t be good enough for her. To me she already knows what she wants to do and she is going to do it no matter what. I have been looking for a new job for weeks trying to get a better opportunity before my review on Dec 1st. I am terrified that come then I will have no job, no way to support my wife and worst of all no way to give at Christmas. I work hard and try to better myself each day, I do everything that is asked of me and always meet deadlines, I guess that isn’t enough. I am so depressed and strung out that I am about to crack, even more I’ve even contemplated suicide. At least if I did, my wife would get insurance money to pay all the bills and have nothing to worry about. Then again I wouldn’t go to heaven if I did do that. I rediscovered my faith in Christ a few months back and was baptized for the first time. I have prayed and prayed for a light at the end of this dark tunnel but some things God himself can’t control. From what I understand God won’t get involved in free will. As humans he granted us the power of free will, will to make our own decisions and to create our own paths in life. I am afraid that it will be my supervisors will and path to exercise her free will to get rid of me. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for help get me through what I am going through and to help me, I only can pray more and hope that God will answer my prayers.
I just don’t know what to do anymore other than hope that I get another job opportunity equally if not better than this one somewhere somehow. I worked so hard to get where I am at and now it seems that I am doomed to be a failure after all. All I want to do is support my wife and have a family someday. To give them everything they need and everything they always wanted. Also to be able to give back to those that has been there and given to me over the years. On top of my money and job problems my wife and I have has been trying to have a child for a year now with no signs of hope. I am starting to believe that it’s me that can’t have children, but with what’s going on right now in my life I am starting to think its best that she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I am running out of time to find a new job, as each day ticks by that is just one day closer to Dec 1st and possibly then end of my job. All I think about each day is Dec 1st and my possible termination. I eat; sleep stress now days and I am running out of options and time. I can only do so much but it’s up to the companies that I applied to, to hire me. I’ve already brought my entire personal stuff home to prepare for the worse. I’m so upset, stressed out, and worried at this point that I can’t think straight and I don’t know what to do. I just hope that something comes about soon. Thanks for listening and thanks for understanding. It’s tough for me as a grown man to talk to anyone about my problems so to me I figured I am at a low bottom might as well through humility in to the mix as well. Hopefully this will shed some light on why I have been so strung out and stressed out. Thanks
I really don't know where to start but I will give it a try. Allot of what’s been going on started back in 2003 when I graduated college and finally got my degree in Graphic Design. My wife and I were staying in Tennessee with her family while I did my internship and my wife worked on her teacher certification. I am person that is reluctant to ask for help but I am the first in line to give help when it is needed. It was very stressful staying with her parents not 6 months after I got married to finish up my education. I didn’t like it, I wanted to be out on my own with my wife with no ones help. Days, weeks, and even months went past being unemployed but it was hard to find work in my field being that it was so competitive. Day after day I would put in my resume and application to places in my field and even places that were not in my field. Most business wanted experience outside schooling while others wouldn't hire me due to the fact that I was too qualified.
A heated discussion broke out in the house between me, my wife's mom, and her dad about me not being employed. They didn't believe me that I was trying hard enough but I was doing the best I could. To make matters worse I was being looked at by some of her family members as a failure. So at this point in my life I felt like I was a failure at everything I tried to do, even as a husband. So I packed up after being in Tennessee for 10 months and left without my wife in search for a job to support us.
For 3 months I was away from my wife trying to find a better life for the two of us and in that 3 months heated arguments broke out between my family and me on why I shouldn't stay away from my wife. It was necessary to be away from her to find work else where. Now I started to wonder if things that her family had said to me and behind my back were true, not to mention that I felt like I abandoned my wife. I live in a small town of about 30,000 and just like any town rumors gets around real quick. After I would go job searching all day I would go out at night and on the weekends with my friends to get my mind off things and try to relax. Well somehow word was that I was out partying, living it up, having affairs, and had abandoned my wife in Tennessee, which wasn't true at all. Those who know me know that I would never do such a thing and know how true I am. Those who know me know how much of a devoted person I am and how big my heart is. I’ve been told that I have too big of heart that I don't know when to say no, that I would allow people to walk over me, and that I would give and look out for people even if it hurt me. I say it’s better to have a big heart than none at all. That is one quality that my wife says she loves about me is that I have a big and caring heart. I am lucky to have a wife that knows that she can trust me and didn't believe any of that crap. I quickly put an end to all those harsh rumors and comments, but at that point in my life my faith was gone and I was all alone.
Finally I got back on track when my brother-in-law asked me to work for him and his company. He had just started his own company when he asked me to work for him a while as I found something in my field. So for 2 months I drove 8-9 hours a day going back and forth to work trying to make ends meat. My brother-in-law owns his own inspection company that inspects auto parts for various car companies and this contracted job was 3-4 hours away. So I worked for him trying to get something started when I got a call from a company that I sent an application over a month past. They wanted me to come in for a job interview for a Marking Assistant position doing graphic design. So I interviewed with the company and didn’t hear anything for at least another week. During that week I was starting to wonder about my faith and wondered if it started to come back. It wasn’t soon after I received another phone call from the company that interviewed me just that past week saying that they wanted to extend an invitation to come work for them. Finally it looked like my life was about to come around.
Two weeks past and I start the job that I am doing now, I was so nervous for my first 90 days of probation that I was going to be caned. I guess it was that I was so nervous that I felt like I worked so hard to get here and it was going to be over in a flash. You see I never have anything go good for me hardly at any time but when it does it usually comes crashing to a halt. I was anticipating my 90 day review to determine where I was going to be, well that didn’t come till the end of December and it should have been the end of September of that year. So needless to say it was late. Well I got my review and went on with my life here. I was told that I would receive another review at my one year anniversary and in January they would review to see if I had acquired enough hours since my start time back in June to get vacation, well I didn’t. Because I came in at the half way point in the year I didn’t require enough hours to get vacation and I would have to wait another year to get vacation. So since I started here back in June 04 I haven’t had a day’s vacation, a vacation that I’ve needed to take to go to the doctor or run important task. I can’t take a day off because if I do it will be without pay and I can’t afford to loose one day’s pay. My wife is a private school teacher (which she doesn’t make hardly anything at) and with my job we live from pay check to pay check with hardly anything left over for ourselves.
Well now to the last few months. I was suppose to have received my yearly review this past June and didn’t get it until a few weeks ago. My supervisor gave me a 50 min review basically saying nothing but negative things to me and bashing me. Now I had been told that I was doing good work in the past and in my eyes I thought I was but apparently not. She called in the other Market Assistant to give her, her review; all they did was cut up laugh and had a good time. I walked out of her office with a signed copy of my review, she walled out with nothing. My supervisor said that she wanted to call me in for a follow up review on Dec 1st. The other assistant doesn’t have a follow up review. Yeah I make mistake, I mean the last time I checked I was human and I made mistakes. But none of my mistakes have been huge especially job threatening. I have always corrected my mistakes and try to learn from them. Allot of my mistakes or grammatical errors and some product related but all my mistakes have been made in house and corrected before they left here. My wife thinks I have some form of dyslexia and some form of learning disability, I have been pointed out signs and that I needed to get tested, but it’s hard to get tested when you can’t get a day off. I can’t afford to get a day off to go and get tested and get help that will improve my work. Ever since my latest review my supervisor has avoided me like the plague, not been social to me, or really acknowledged that I even exist. She has cut up, talked and socialized with the other assistant but when it comes to me I’m avoided. She leaves me out on stuff, doesn’t tell me anything and doesn’t even look in my direction. What I have gathered is this. She said that in my last review she wanted to have a follow up to see how I have progressed. Yesterday was the first work she gave me in weeks, so how am I supposed to improve if she doesn’t give me anything to work on. I think she already has a plain and an agenda, I believe she had one before she called me into for an interview. I think the reason behind her ignoring me, avoiding me, and treating me like she has in the last few weeks is due to my job will be gone by Dec 1st. I think the follow up review is a review to tell me that I no longer work for this company. In my opinion I think she is giving me a month to look for a new job and no matter what I do to improve in my eyes it won’t be good enough for her. To me she already knows what she wants to do and she is going to do it no matter what. I have been looking for a new job for weeks trying to get a better opportunity before my review on Dec 1st. I am terrified that come then I will have no job, no way to support my wife and worst of all no way to give at Christmas. I work hard and try to better myself each day, I do everything that is asked of me and always meet deadlines, I guess that isn’t enough. I am so depressed and strung out that I am about to crack, even more I’ve even contemplated suicide. At least if I did, my wife would get insurance money to pay all the bills and have nothing to worry about. Then again I wouldn’t go to heaven if I did do that. I rediscovered my faith in Christ a few months back and was baptized for the first time. I have prayed and prayed for a light at the end of this dark tunnel but some things God himself can’t control. From what I understand God won’t get involved in free will. As humans he granted us the power of free will, will to make our own decisions and to create our own paths in life. I am afraid that it will be my supervisors will and path to exercise her free will to get rid of me. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for help get me through what I am going through and to help me, I only can pray more and hope that God will answer my prayers.
I just don’t know what to do anymore other than hope that I get another job opportunity equally if not better than this one somewhere somehow. I worked so hard to get where I am at and now it seems that I am doomed to be a failure after all. All I want to do is support my wife and have a family someday. To give them everything they need and everything they always wanted. Also to be able to give back to those that has been there and given to me over the years. On top of my money and job problems my wife and I have has been trying to have a child for a year now with no signs of hope. I am starting to believe that it’s me that can’t have children, but with what’s going on right now in my life I am starting to think its best that she hasn’t gotten pregnant. I am running out of time to find a new job, as each day ticks by that is just one day closer to Dec 1st and possibly then end of my job. All I think about each day is Dec 1st and my possible termination. I eat; sleep stress now days and I am running out of options and time. I can only do so much but it’s up to the companies that I applied to, to hire me. I’ve already brought my entire personal stuff home to prepare for the worse. I’m so upset, stressed out, and worried at this point that I can’t think straight and I don’t know what to do. I just hope that something comes about soon. Thanks for listening and thanks for understanding. It’s tough for me as a grown man to talk to anyone about my problems so to me I figured I am at a low bottom might as well through humility in to the mix as well. Hopefully this will shed some light on why I have been so strung out and stressed out. Thanks